Blogging as..?

So.  Blogging.  Never thought I'd be doing this.

So why, you may ask, I am writing this at all - especially under such a ridiculous pen-name.

I will have been married to my very loved, and very loving wife for one year next again weekend (give or take); had everything happened as planned, we would now have a three month old making our lives hell.

Plan.  Defined as: baseline for change.

Our plans have had to change.  Instead, one month after our first anniversary, we will be making our first visit to a fertility specialist.

I guess I'm kind of old fashioned, but I hate showing weakness and would find this really difficult to talk about.  Writing feels different somehow, but still allows me to "vent".

About us.

Her: (very) early 30s, tall, average weight for height, medically proved to be ovulating, generally healthy.  Flexibly employed as a supply teacher.

Him: (very) early 30s, average everywhere, generally healthy.  Inflexibly taking the Queen's shilling and currently working all the hours the Big Man sends for little thanks.  "Abnormal sperm".  That's right, you are reading the thoughts of an abnormal man.  Volume is good, count is low, motility is low, most swim in the wrong direction.  Those who know my sense of direction will not be surprised at this last factor.

Neither of us have had children, pregnancies or scares before.  Nothing proves that we can have children.  And just at this moment, nothing seems to be going right.

Oh - and we're supposed to keep our stress levels down.  Stress is bad for conception.

I work 10-12 hours a day, am studying for a Masters in my "spare" time, have just missed a promotion at work, and my abnormal sperm cannot make my wife pregnant.  What the hell do I have to be stressed about?

Do I feel guilty?  Yes.  To put it plainly and simply, I have never wanted children.  If you believe in God or Fate, then my wife has been put on this earth to be a mother.  If you're a cynic, she has been around children and babies her entire life (brother-in-law is younger, mother-in-law is child minder, nephews are young teens, niece is not yet one, cousins are mostly 5+ years younger or same age with children of their own) and, not unreasonably at all, she now wants her own.  Truth be told, I am still ambivalent at best.  That's where the guilt comes from.  If we have a child, I will love it, support it, and be the best dad I can.

But... If we don't have kids, shit happens.  If I told my wife that, I honestly don't think she would be my wife for very much longer.

That is something to be hidden.  That is not something a tell my best friend (who I am fortunate enough to be married to), my close friends or my family.  That is something I only tell everyone in the world, under a ridiculous pen name.

I've had a guilt free week whilst the better part of me visits parents-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews, niece etc.  Tomorrow she returns, and I return to the world of cervical mucus, fertility monitors, temperature in the morning, sex every second day and disappointment at the end of the cycle.

And guilt.  Because it's probably my sperm that are the problem.  And my ambivalence.